; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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