Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like eating out sand paper
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
