dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
