News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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