i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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