i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
