I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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