____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
