Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
