My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
