If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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