I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
