becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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