She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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