Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
