just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
