So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
