I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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