Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
