TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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