The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cannot find my penis.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize