Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
