Three words: puerto rican gang bang
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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