the condom got lost in my hair
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
