So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
