my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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