She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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