i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
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I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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