Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
