Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
