you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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