I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
