I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
