new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
