my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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