Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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