here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
