i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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