Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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