Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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