im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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