We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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