if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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