i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
