I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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