everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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