I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
