I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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