Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Randomize
