if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
