i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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