My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
