She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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