So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
