Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
