I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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