y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
