i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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