why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
