I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
